South East Scoobies - Alerts to recient threats according to John Cleese

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
events in Libya and have therefore raised their security
level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security
levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A
Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since
the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A
Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a
“Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed
Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any
other levels. This is the reason they have been used on
the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The
only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and
“Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly
and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two
more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and
“Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from
“Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels:
“Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines
ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have
glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really
good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from
“No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more
escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to
cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is
canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.
– John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person